Yesterday, I met with a prospective wedding couple (as in they haven't hired me yet, not that they are considering getting married). They asked me one of the best questions I've ever been asked in a get-to-know-you session. It went something like this: "Was there anything you would have done differently on YOUR wedding day or was there anything in particular that you remember as being special?"
At first I didn't know how to respond. I have been asked all kinds of questions about other weddings I have photographed, but I never really thought about this in terms of my own wedding (which was almost 5 years ago). I had an amazing wedding. In my memory, I couldn't think of anything I would have done differently. Everything about it was special and memorable and US (probably the most important part). I did however, have one thing that stood out as being particularly special...
Sarah (my wife) and I were married in a Jewish ceremony at the Temple that I had grown up at, Temple Shir Shalom. We had the ceremony and the reception there and did many of the traditional components to a Jewish wedding, with a modern interpretation of some of these traditions. One of these traditions is called the "yichud," which translates to "seclusion". Traditionally, this was the time that the bride and groom would go off together after the ceremony to "consummate" the marriage. Don't worry, that is not what I'm about to talk about here. The modern interpretation of this tradition simply means that the bride and groom are given time to be alone together after the ceremony, before the reception. Right after we walked down the aisle, we kept going straight to the brides room where our caterer had put out two glasses of prosecco (sparkling wine) and a plate of the hors d'ouvres. We were able to be alone together after we had just committed to spend our lives together. It was quiet and calm, unlike the rest of the day. We were able to truly enjoy this small moment in the day and reflect on what we had just done. We were probably only alone for 5 or 10 minutes, but that was the one of the most memorable times of the day.
So often, in the weddings I photograph, the bride and groom are scheduled down to the minute of where to be at what time. While there aren't many weddings that actually run exactly as planned, it is important to remember that this is ok - the wedding won't happen without you! One of the other traditions that my Rabbi told us about was that we were not supposed to wear a watch (or another way to tell what time it was) and that we shouldn't leave each others side during the night. I was given a pocket watch as a wedding gift from Sarah, so the first rule went out the window, but the idea behind it is what's important and we took that to heart. The day will progress as you want it to and you shouldn't worry about staying on a schedule, but instead, enjoy the beauty of all the little moments. And we did, side-by-side.
As a photographer, the yichud is off limits. I will occasionally get a photo of the couple entering or exiting the room and get the "guards" posed outside the room who are there to make sure the couple is given their privacy until they are ready to come out. I would not want to intrude on this special time. There won't be any photos of a couple in yichud, but they will likely remember those few moments more than any other part of the night. My job as a photographer is to capture the little moments you won't often remember in 5 years (or didn't even see on the day of your wedding).
You don't have to have a Jewish wedding to take part in this tradition. I would recommend that any couple getting married take a few moments time after the ceremony to reflect on the enormity of the day and be together, alone. Your guests won't notice that you are gone for a few minutes and you will remember it forever. Call it whatever you want, Yichud (if you can pronounce it), alone time, seclusion, meditation, sexy time, whatever. Just put it on your schedule and then don't worry about the schedule.
Going into yichud at our wedding. (Photo by Jeffrey Sauger)
The only other advice I can give is to pass on what my Zayda (grandfather) told Sarah and I on our wedding day: "In your marriage, there will be many ups and downs. Hopefully, most of them will be in the bedroom."
